Worth

She is worth it, she knows
This has to be true
But at night, when she is alone,
Who is she to argue?

If she was worth it, he would be there
She would never be alone.
There must be something wrong with her,
How can she be unknown?

Misunderstood by so many
That no one wants to hold.
How can she stand out, be significant,
When she is only seen as a clone

The same as every other girl
who wants someone forever
But she is different, she is deep
She is nothing like a feather

Not light, not shallow, not like
The rest of the world
She has been to hell and back
And is even stronger, she is bold.

Not pink, not yellow,
She is brighter than the rest.
She is red, she is neon
She has to be the best.

She succeeds at everthing she does
And she always has
But love, it is gibberish to her
No one wants to take the task

Of a girl who was beaten and bruised
But made it back alive,
‘They have to be intimidated’ She thinks,
‘Because why else would they all hide?’

She was tortured, mistreated
Physically and emotionally abused
But all they see is her innocent face
No, they are not amused.

But who she is, is strong and great
She has withstood the worst storm
It isn’t her fault that they can’t see
Her strength or appreciate.

She is worth it, she knows
But it doesn’t help her heart
Repair itself along the way
She has begun to fall apart

Not by what has happened
But by the world’s never ending scorn
That she is just like everyone else
Who survived a tiny storm.

Darkness

Sleeping is most difficult
Every single night.
No matter how tired I am,
I cannot give up the fight

To keep my eyes wide open
And distract myself until
The sun comes up, the rays
Come through my window seal.

“Why?” they ask, “Can you not rest?”
“I wish,” I say “But I cannot,
For if I close my eyes
The darkness may hear the thought

The thought I cannot share
With you or anyone else,
For it would frighten everyone,
Even Satan himself.”

During the day, there are so many sounds
That no one else could hear
What’s going on inside my mind
But at night, it is the darkness I fear.

The darkness is so quiet,
What if my mind opens wide?

No one, no thing, no earthly creature
Should hear what screams from inside.
For I, myself, cannot withstand my head
I try to run and hide.

So when the sun rises and I go to sleep
I know I can relax
The shadows are gone and now I
Can hold onto my thoughts, at last.

No more fear of stolen treasures,
Though frightening they may be,
I don’t even want the darkness
To feel as cold as me.

-k.d.
9-8-2015

Something

storm


There is something going on tonight
Something inside, she cannot explain.
So much darkness is following her
Why must there be so much strain.

It is pulling at her heart,
It is tugging at her brain.
Her emotions and her thoughts,
They are full of pain.

For days, she felt normal.
At peace and not alone.
But it will always start over
This wave she is forced to condone.

She values her strength,
Her ease to befriend.
She even finds herself charming,
She never wants that to end.

Though when the wave comes,
The gust of chills and aches,
She loses all her strength
And the water will always break.

Throughout her body,
Mind and soul.
Until she feels nothing,
She is numb and cold.

There is just something unexplainable
She is starting to unfold.
It is a throbbing ache,
For it is him she wants to hold.

It always comes back to him,
She’ll never be good enough.
It doesnt matter how hard she tries,
She tries to act tough.

He doesn’t notice and never will,
She is more than he wants to handle.
She knows it but she cannot change
Who this world has made her.

Whatever is going on tonight,
It is winning, she knows.
She no longer feels warmth and comfort,
She is shaking, she is cold.

She has now gone numb,
There is nothing left.
She feels no emotion,
He isn’t coming to save her from this cliff. 

-k.d.

9-6-15

Floating

the daisy

She isn’t flying yet
But at least she is floating.
Falling was a scary trip
She felt she was the only

The only one who endured
The sting of hail
That was rocketing
Directly at her heart

But it turns out
Others are bruised too
Damaged by the frozen rain
That never seemed to give way
But now she can finally see
There is a rainbow in the day

The colors are endless
It is no longer just black & blue
She can see waves of green & red, too
Hopeful, she is becoming,
It is possible you see
For someone in a thunderstorm
To not only desire, but to receive

Everything she hopes for
Is covering the sky
Though, far away
If she has the ability
To come this far
The horizon can show her to grace.

No longer alone in the darkness
There is a hand that clasps her own
& it is guiding her to colors
That can bring her to the unknown

Strange, it is to her,
Because so long she has been in agony
But he has shown her that the world
Is no longer her enemy

Together, this place, it can be
Bearable, even one to take pleasure in.
Mankind hasn’t been lost, he says
& she decides to believe
In fairy tales & happily-ever-afters
She can be the one in the castle
& he can be the one on the stallion

She can’t seem to be in the real world
It’s all darkness or all light
All pain or all fantasy
How do you teach her to exist
To be like everyone else
When all she has ever known
Is hurt & heartache
Storms & lightening,
floods & dark waves.

She has read the fairy tales,
The fictions & the love stories
So just let her believe in them
She just needs comforting.

Even if you aren’t a prince,
Just a boy in a suit
Show her the possibilities
That she thought to be untrue.

She is forgetting about the storms
Or possibly she is just numb
But now all she can see is you
It may still be pouring
But at least she sees more
Than black and blue.

She is floating.

-k.d.
9-2-15

Flying

Am I flying yet?
Do I even know what I mean
when I say “flying”?
Am I still so engulfed in the fall
that I cannot even find
my wings?

I can succeed
I know I can.
But I can’t even figure out
what I am trying to succeed at.
I know I don’t want to be afraid
forever
But what do I want after that?
Love?
I want that..who doesn’t?
But can someone as fucked up as me
ever be loved?

A girl who can barely exist alone
for a whole 5 minutes
without losing my mind.
But can’t stand any guy to be near me
for anything more than simple company.

If I can’t find anyone I can tolerate
that likes me too
& the ones that adore me
I could care less for you.
What options are left?

The only one I ever felt
completely myself with,
completely happy with,
Who found me to be smart
& beautiful..
he is too preoccupied
learning to fly on his own
to notice I am still falling.

How can someone who is
1000 miles away
still hold my heart.
How do you move on from that?
How do you enjoy the company of another
when you simply don’t want to?

When you find yourself
preferring to suffer forever
than ever have to forget,
or never get to experience again,
the way he made you feel.

-k.d.
8-25-15

The Storm

There’s a storm that blows inside her
A tornado, a hurricane, a monsoon.
She feels it, every single gust, every drop of rain
It hurts constantly, this endless downpour of pain.

She tries to take shelter
She only wants some peace
But the storm will not subside
It will always find her
Nothing can protect her from this beast.

She knows that surely
The sun will rise again.
But someone must save her
From the hell that lies within.

If only she could find a guardian
A safe haven, a dry place.
Maybe she could feel warmth again
In the arms of love’s embrace.

In repose, her storm, it may finally calm
She could feel the beams of sunlight
As they brush her from the dawn.

And at dusk she would not fear the night
All day she had felt peace
And she could know it was possible:
The warmth, the calm, the ease.

The storm, though it may come again
She would not be afraid
For now, she knows that it is possible
For the clarity to begin.

-k.d.
8-31-15

Waiting

daisy
They are all waiting
Waiting for me to self detruct
I will never give them the satisfaction
Succeed, I must
I am alone in the darkness
It can be quite gloomy here
But I will never let them see
To them
I will only shine the brightest
I will keep it together
Every single piece
But when I finally find my safe haven
I will surely collapse
I need to crumble
so I can pick up all the contents
& make them into a person again
Until then, I never have time
I make bad choices
Find myself hurting & full of sin
My biggest hope is that
In the end
The darkness will not win

-k.d.

Falling

It’s so easy.

Falling.

Falling into the wrong choices
Falling into the wrong friendships
Falling into the wrong relationships
Falling into the wrong routine
Falling into the belief that it’ll get better
“In time”

It’s also easy to fall for the good things

Falling in to an amazing book
Falling into the perfect song
Falling into a comfort zone
Falling into your family for support
Falling into a trusting, loyal friendship
Falling into yourself..

There’s also a seesaw effect in play in a few..

Falling into yourself (yes, again)
Falling into your social standing
Falling into your work
Falling in love (that’s a scary one)

Are these good things or bad?

Ya know, I find it funny…
We learn to walk and gauge perception of our surroundings
before we are even considered toddlers..

& yet still
at age 22
I still find myself falling
I will find I don’t know where I am going,
though I have the capability to acknowledge my surroundings.
I find myself unable to take the correct path,
though I can easily walk down it.

The question is

Why not?!

Though falling can be fun in its own essence,
knowing you can save yourself
from the outcome of that fall
is the most important part.

So you ask yourself:

“When will I open my wings & fly?
The choice is up to me
It always has been
So why haven’t I done it? ”

Maybe you aren’t done falling yet
Maybe your time to fly starts later
But for me
I am ready
& I will fly.

because

the only thing that holds any of us back
from what we really want is..

ourselves.

-k.d.

why is she writing

I have had this urge to write for some time now and I am running out of notebook paper.
So, I decided maybe writing my thoughts and poems online might be a nice start
instead of scribbling my words all over a notebook
(that I believe is getting tired of my constant scratching out and ramblings).
Maybe a few people will appreciate what I have been thinking,
more than my notebook does at least.

My story, my thoughts & my life are a little complicated, but they are also ones
that I hold dear to my heart and maybe yall will find some comfort or a connection in them. At least I hope so. Enjoy