Secrets

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If they knew the truth
Would they stay
Would she be alone
Would they run away?

If he knew why
What would he think
Would he be my person
How far would she sink?

If he found out about her
Would he leave her alone
Break his vows about her
Like she was a loan?

The secrets she hides
Are for their wellbeing
If she told them
It would be her they’d be seeing

Not the person she made
Not the person she appears
Someone who they trust
Someone no one fears

– 1-12-16
k.d

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She is scattered across the states
A little for each man she trusted
She never should have believed
Anyone who was so persistent

They fell for her, and she fell back
She smiled so widely, so bright
Her heart felt full, if only for a second
Then they left her broken, cold at night.

Most are caught up on one heart break
She is hurting from too many to count
They all took something from her
Each leaving a scar, unashamed no doubt.

Each man took a different part of her
Pieces they will never return
How could she ever be whole again
When so much is gone, burned.

One took her belief in fairy tales
Another, her love for laughter
One took away all trust she held
Left her crying alone, soon after.

One made her feel comfortable
Now, relax.. She couldn’t dare
One made her feel she could sleep tight
Now her rest is full of the nightmare

She doesn’t believe it is all their fault
She is the common denominator
But why her? Why keep taking pieces?
No one deserves that, it hurts her

It seems now there are no pieces left
She is empty with nothing to give
Each of the men walks with a part of her
Now she is destined alone to live.

-k.d.
12-13-15

Bookcase

books

She has a bookcase
Labeled “The Heartbreaks”
One shelf wasn’t enough
She wishes it was, for her sake

There are four different shelves
One for each genre of the hurt
Each in order of intensity
From sadness to anger to absurd

One shelf is for small aches
The quick ones that didn’t sting
Not as bad as the rest
They didn’t really mean a thing

One is for the long loves
The ones she always regrets
One is for the men who hurt her
But didn’t care or even fret

One is for the hurt she solely caused
Those were so unfair
She hates how horrible she was
Leaving both parties in despair

Most of the books are unfinished
She will never open their covers again
Some have empty pages near the back
Those she knows may never end

The ones without endings
Are because she hopes one day to fill
The story with happiness
Love that could finally conceal

What she really wants
Is just one more book
To place on different bookcase
In a special little nook

That begins with happy
And tells of true fate
All it entails is love
How life can be great

A book so wonderful that
It will begin a series
All of the volumes holding tales
Of adventures they’d experience.

Each book would tell a tale
Of their wonderful days
Of they fun they’d have together
And their love that would never fade

You could see, taste and smell their love
In each page as it turned
And each volume it got deeper
Their fate, always confirmed

And now she loves this bookcase
The other one has cobwebs
Her new one she has painted
With daisies and sunflower fields

Today she took a sledgehammer
She broke “The Heartbreaks” to pieces
All she needs or wants for
Is on the colorful flower bookcase

-k.d.
10/28/2015

Unrhymed

I don’t just want to hear
About the wonderful things
Happening in your life
I want to be one of them

I don’t want to be the seer with a crystal ball
Watching all of your happiness come to you
I want to be in the beautiful vision with you
Dancing in the sun and being a part of your joy

I feel so left out, though I am happy for you
Jealousy is eating me alive
All I want is to be one of the things
That makes you smile like that

I know I make you happy
But it’s not the same
I can’t make you as happy
As your greatest successes

Because to you, I am not a success
I am just another asset,
Another claim
To build your ego

I will not be your pride booster
I will not be your cheerleader
I am your greatest win
Or I will be your greatest loss

The choice will only be yours
For a small window of time
Until it is taken from you
And I will be gone

Leaving nothing but a memory
Maybe even a scar
But I will not return again
You can dance in the dark.

-k.d.
10.2.15

Fire

She didn’t want the darkness
To return
But it is inevitable,
The light doesn’t burn

She thought she was whole
She forgot the curse
It seems her situation
Is now in reverse

He wanted to love her
But she was so cold
She tried to be warmer
For him to hold

They say there must be a darkness
To see the light
But there is no spark in her
Though she tried so hard to fight

She wanted to be bright
But she is only gray
She is only the night
She can never be day

She loved him too much
He loved her, not enough
She tried to accept that
For her it is too tough

She cannot settle for average
It must be great or horrific
Her life must be perfect
Or end, she must be dramatic

Why must she believe
That she is wrong
Maybe it is him
Maybe she is just strong

Maybe he should love her
The way she deserves
Maybe it is his fault
She is not so absurd

She should stop playing into
What he tells her she is
Because she is not crazy
She just wanted to be his

With him she felt brighter
If only for a moment
She just wants to matter
He isn’t so God sent

Her light is now dim
Her eyes will now close
There is no more light
Her heart now exposed

It is torn, it is scarred
It is bruised, it is blue
It cannot withstand another
They stuck like tattoos

There is no more room
It is covered, it is turning black
Her heart no longer beating
It has begun to crack

Somethings cannot be fixed
She thought she was an exception
But she is broken completely
He was another infection

It wasn’t intentional
What he did to her soul
But he cast it away
He didn’t want her to hold

If he had only known
She was not his desire
She may have survived
This hell unleashed fire

-k.d.
10-3-2015 

Addiction

The feelings he brings
Are different from the rest
He was her first love,
He left her depressed.

She’s moved on since then,
But she’ll never forget
How that heart-break destroyed her,
There was so much regret.

They yelled, they screamed,
She cried and he bullied,
She lied, for his attention,
She gave so much and never received.

Years later he realizes
What he has done,
But can she ever go back?
Is he the one?

He can put a smile on her face,
Even four years later,
She’s got butterflies in her stomach,
Will he betray her?

She cannot figure out
If what she is feeling is real
Or if she is just longing
For the void to be filled.

How does she open her heart to someone
Who has broken it before?
She remembers that horrible day
When she cried on the floor.

She was unable to move
Because her love was not returned,
She gave him everything
But he could not be concerned

With her crazy gestures
And constant jealousy
He left her alone,
She felt she couldn’t breath.

It took years to get over him,
To not think of him every day,
And now he is apologetic,
He wishes she had stayed.

Is it naive to give him a second chance?
She cannot decide
But she has a calming feeling
That she should give it a try.

She will know soon enough
If this time he has changed,
If she will finally be sufficient
Or if she will come unhinged.

She got drunk on him before,
But now she is sober
Soon she will find out
If his intoxicating powers are really over

You see, feelings like hers,
They never fully go away
She may not be tempted by him anymore,
But she may sway.

But if she sees his face, hears his voice
And touches his skin,
She could be addicted again, like at 19,
When she fell for him.

It is time for her to take a leap,
Cross her fingers and pray,
That she will find peace this time,
With or without him. Either way.

Because when the air gets cold
And she puts on her sweater
It’s his warmth she dreams of,
To hold her in this weather.

His scent, his eyes,
His crooked toothed smile,
It comforted her once upon a time,
If only for a while.

She moved on, she forgot,
Then she remembered again
How much she would like
To be intoxicated from him

By his corny jokes
And kisses on the cheek
She’d feel tingles down her arms,
All the way to her feet.

It was fun, what they had
But it ended in such hurt
Withdrawals had her shaking,
She needed his shirt

To comfort her, ease the addiction
And put her at peace
But eventually, she didn’t need him anymore,
There was no more grief.

Should he get another chance?
Time has passed by
They are different people now,
She wants to fly

But she doesn’t have to fly alone,
If he is by her side
Or will he leave her again,
Alone to justifiably cry?

To weep in the cold
And damp air alone
What if he isn’t there,
If he no longer wants her to hold?

Maybe this time,
They will do things right,
It will all just fall into place
And there will be no need to fight.

At 19, she was addicted,
She felt pain, hurt and betrayal,
But maybe, this time,
They will excel.

Their love, more strong
And deep, in time
Maybe their relationship won’t be toxic,
Maybe it won’t need to rhyme.

k.d.
9-7-2015

Worth

She is worth it, she knows
This has to be true
But at night, when she is alone,
Who is she to argue?

If she was worth it, he would be there
She would never be alone.
There must be something wrong with her,
How can she be unknown?

Misunderstood by so many
That no one wants to hold.
How can she stand out, be significant,
When she is only seen as a clone

The same as every other girl
who wants someone forever
But she is different, she is deep
She is nothing like a feather

Not light, not shallow, not like
The rest of the world
She has been to hell and back
And is even stronger, she is bold.

Not pink, not yellow,
She is brighter than the rest.
She is red, she is neon
She has to be the best.

She succeeds at everthing she does
And she always has
But love, it is gibberish to her
No one wants to take the task

Of a girl who was beaten and bruised
But made it back alive,
‘They have to be intimidated’ She thinks,
‘Because why else would they all hide?’

She was tortured, mistreated
Physically and emotionally abused
But all they see is her innocent face
No, they are not amused.

But who she is, is strong and great
She has withstood the worst storm
It isn’t her fault that they can’t see
Her strength or appreciate.

She is worth it, she knows
But it doesn’t help her heart
Repair itself along the way
She has begun to fall apart

Not by what has happened
But by the world’s never ending scorn
That she is just like everyone else
Who survived a tiny storm.

Something

storm


There is something going on tonight
Something inside, she cannot explain.
So much darkness is following her
Why must there be so much strain.

It is pulling at her heart,
It is tugging at her brain.
Her emotions and her thoughts,
They are full of pain.

For days, she felt normal.
At peace and not alone.
But it will always start over
This wave she is forced to condone.

She values her strength,
Her ease to befriend.
She even finds herself charming,
She never wants that to end.

Though when the wave comes,
The gust of chills and aches,
She loses all her strength
And the water will always break.

Throughout her body,
Mind and soul.
Until she feels nothing,
She is numb and cold.

There is just something unexplainable
She is starting to unfold.
It is a throbbing ache,
For it is him she wants to hold.

It always comes back to him,
She’ll never be good enough.
It doesnt matter how hard she tries,
She tries to act tough.

He doesn’t notice and never will,
She is more than he wants to handle.
She knows it but she cannot change
Who this world has made her.

Whatever is going on tonight,
It is winning, she knows.
She no longer feels warmth and comfort,
She is shaking, she is cold.

She has now gone numb,
There is nothing left.
She feels no emotion,
He isn’t coming to save her from this cliff. 

-k.d.

9-6-15

Floating

the daisy

She isn’t flying yet
But at least she is floating.
Falling was a scary trip
She felt she was the only

The only one who endured
The sting of hail
That was rocketing
Directly at her heart

But it turns out
Others are bruised too
Damaged by the frozen rain
That never seemed to give way
But now she can finally see
There is a rainbow in the day

The colors are endless
It is no longer just black & blue
She can see waves of green & red, too
Hopeful, she is becoming,
It is possible you see
For someone in a thunderstorm
To not only desire, but to receive

Everything she hopes for
Is covering the sky
Though, far away
If she has the ability
To come this far
The horizon can show her to grace.

No longer alone in the darkness
There is a hand that clasps her own
& it is guiding her to colors
That can bring her to the unknown

Strange, it is to her,
Because so long she has been in agony
But he has shown her that the world
Is no longer her enemy

Together, this place, it can be
Bearable, even one to take pleasure in.
Mankind hasn’t been lost, he says
& she decides to believe
In fairy tales & happily-ever-afters
She can be the one in the castle
& he can be the one on the stallion

She can’t seem to be in the real world
It’s all darkness or all light
All pain or all fantasy
How do you teach her to exist
To be like everyone else
When all she has ever known
Is hurt & heartache
Storms & lightening,
floods & dark waves.

She has read the fairy tales,
The fictions & the love stories
So just let her believe in them
She just needs comforting.

Even if you aren’t a prince,
Just a boy in a suit
Show her the possibilities
That she thought to be untrue.

She is forgetting about the storms
Or possibly she is just numb
But now all she can see is you
It may still be pouring
But at least she sees more
Than black and blue.

She is floating.

-k.d.
9-2-15

Flying

Am I flying yet?
Do I even know what I mean
when I say “flying”?
Am I still so engulfed in the fall
that I cannot even find
my wings?

I can succeed
I know I can.
But I can’t even figure out
what I am trying to succeed at.
I know I don’t want to be afraid
forever
But what do I want after that?
Love?
I want that..who doesn’t?
But can someone as fucked up as me
ever be loved?

A girl who can barely exist alone
for a whole 5 minutes
without losing my mind.
But can’t stand any guy to be near me
for anything more than simple company.

If I can’t find anyone I can tolerate
that likes me too
& the ones that adore me
I could care less for you.
What options are left?

The only one I ever felt
completely myself with,
completely happy with,
Who found me to be smart
& beautiful..
he is too preoccupied
learning to fly on his own
to notice I am still falling.

How can someone who is
1000 miles away
still hold my heart.
How do you move on from that?
How do you enjoy the company of another
when you simply don’t want to?

When you find yourself
preferring to suffer forever
than ever have to forget,
or never get to experience again,
the way he made you feel.

-k.d.
8-25-15