Death Angel

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She is fire, she is burning
She is hotter than any coal
She will hurt you, she is pain
She is the one to save your soul

To be herself, would be a miracle
They all see her in such extremes
“sweet, innocent girl” or
“slutty, lying schemes”

She truly follows neither defining
Though to others, she is easily named
To those who are ingenuous
She is small, feeble-minded

Little do their insignificant minds know
She understands more than them all
She can calculate one’s moon rising
She can calculate their sun’s fall

She can see through the unfathomable
She can comprehend the truth in each lie
She cannot be fooled by ambiguity
She knows every time you defy.

The thought of her my frighten you
Oh, but the sight of her will not
For she looks as a blue eyed angel
But inside she is sin, burning hot

Her soul was sold to the devil
She will never get it back
But until her day is done
She will get revenge, payback.

She will let the devil have her soul
But not the innocents awaiting
She will save them all before she goes
No matter what, they will be acquitted

See for her, her soul is gone
She gave her life for another
One that deserved it more
One who could go much further

It seems they both survived, on Earth at least
So now the ending awaits
For her, she is ready for the end
To walk through Hell’s fiery gates

And the soul the she has saved
Oh, how it has been taken for granted
For as she lives in pain and grief
The one saved became canted

There is nothing more for her to do
Than help those in the time she has left
But the more she tries & the more she fails
The more she feels inept.

One day she will lift away
She will take one last flight
Up into the sky, never to be seen again
Gone forever with a bundle of dynamite.

Ready for her time to shine
On her stairway to heaven that she deserves
Past the sun that burns deep and far
This joke is unreal, she is going to die

It is true that she will shine
Though it will be in reflectance of Hadez’ fires,
Yet she knows in her finality, that endings
Are always more important than beginnings

-k.d. 
3-22-2016
(Drawing by Zach Duffey)

 

 

Drowned

water

She is drowning again, in darkness it seems
Each drop of firewater, a nightmare, a bad dream.
They started falling one by one, she barely even noticed
But eventually she realized, she was beginning to lose balance.

Each drop stung a little more than the last
And then burning at her feet as they puddled up fast.
Her toes tingled, they burned, as horrors swam through her mind
All the sorrow she pushed away it was here and up it climbed.

They began at the bottom, slowly rising to the top
As they engulfed her, not breathing, she almost stopped.
Stopped trying to fight away the pain & fear she felt
Because the more she fought, the more she found it compelled.

For her to not be afraid is a difficult task,
But pretending to not be afraid, well that is the easy way out.
It’s frightening to realize that these nightmares are no longer just fiction
But are swallowing her whole, even when her eyes are open.

One day she will learn to awake and spit it out,
To no longer let the demons drown her & fill her with doubt.
But for now if she can just face these fears, not fight or pretend,
Maybe she will come out a stronger soul who is awake & on dry land.

-k.d.
12-7-2015

Addiction

The feelings he brings
Are different from the rest
He was her first love,
He left her depressed.

She’s moved on since then,
But she’ll never forget
How that heart-break destroyed her,
There was so much regret.

They yelled, they screamed,
She cried and he bullied,
She lied, for his attention,
She gave so much and never received.

Years later he realizes
What he has done,
But can she ever go back?
Is he the one?

He can put a smile on her face,
Even four years later,
She’s got butterflies in her stomach,
Will he betray her?

She cannot figure out
If what she is feeling is real
Or if she is just longing
For the void to be filled.

How does she open her heart to someone
Who has broken it before?
She remembers that horrible day
When she cried on the floor.

She was unable to move
Because her love was not returned,
She gave him everything
But he could not be concerned

With her crazy gestures
And constant jealousy
He left her alone,
She felt she couldn’t breath.

It took years to get over him,
To not think of him every day,
And now he is apologetic,
He wishes she had stayed.

Is it naive to give him a second chance?
She cannot decide
But she has a calming feeling
That she should give it a try.

She will know soon enough
If this time he has changed,
If she will finally be sufficient
Or if she will come unhinged.

She got drunk on him before,
But now she is sober
Soon she will find out
If his intoxicating powers are really over

You see, feelings like hers,
They never fully go away
She may not be tempted by him anymore,
But she may sway.

But if she sees his face, hears his voice
And touches his skin,
She could be addicted again, like at 19,
When she fell for him.

It is time for her to take a leap,
Cross her fingers and pray,
That she will find peace this time,
With or without him. Either way.

Because when the air gets cold
And she puts on her sweater
It’s his warmth she dreams of,
To hold her in this weather.

His scent, his eyes,
His crooked toothed smile,
It comforted her once upon a time,
If only for a while.

She moved on, she forgot,
Then she remembered again
How much she would like
To be intoxicated from him

By his corny jokes
And kisses on the cheek
She’d feel tingles down her arms,
All the way to her feet.

It was fun, what they had
But it ended in such hurt
Withdrawals had her shaking,
She needed his shirt

To comfort her, ease the addiction
And put her at peace
But eventually, she didn’t need him anymore,
There was no more grief.

Should he get another chance?
Time has passed by
They are different people now,
She wants to fly

But she doesn’t have to fly alone,
If he is by her side
Or will he leave her again,
Alone to justifiably cry?

To weep in the cold
And damp air alone
What if he isn’t there,
If he no longer wants her to hold?

Maybe this time,
They will do things right,
It will all just fall into place
And there will be no need to fight.

At 19, she was addicted,
She felt pain, hurt and betrayal,
But maybe, this time,
They will excel.

Their love, more strong
And deep, in time
Maybe their relationship won’t be toxic,
Maybe it won’t need to rhyme.

k.d.
9-7-2015

Worth

She is worth it, she knows
This has to be true
But at night, when she is alone,
Who is she to argue?

If she was worth it, he would be there
She would never be alone.
There must be something wrong with her,
How can she be unknown?

Misunderstood by so many
That no one wants to hold.
How can she stand out, be significant,
When she is only seen as a clone

The same as every other girl
who wants someone forever
But she is different, she is deep
She is nothing like a feather

Not light, not shallow, not like
The rest of the world
She has been to hell and back
And is even stronger, she is bold.

Not pink, not yellow,
She is brighter than the rest.
She is red, she is neon
She has to be the best.

She succeeds at everthing she does
And she always has
But love, it is gibberish to her
No one wants to take the task

Of a girl who was beaten and bruised
But made it back alive,
‘They have to be intimidated’ She thinks,
‘Because why else would they all hide?’

She was tortured, mistreated
Physically and emotionally abused
But all they see is her innocent face
No, they are not amused.

But who she is, is strong and great
She has withstood the worst storm
It isn’t her fault that they can’t see
Her strength or appreciate.

She is worth it, she knows
But it doesn’t help her heart
Repair itself along the way
She has begun to fall apart

Not by what has happened
But by the world’s never ending scorn
That she is just like everyone else
Who survived a tiny storm.

Floating

the daisy

She isn’t flying yet
But at least she is floating.
Falling was a scary trip
She felt she was the only

The only one who endured
The sting of hail
That was rocketing
Directly at her heart

But it turns out
Others are bruised too
Damaged by the frozen rain
That never seemed to give way
But now she can finally see
There is a rainbow in the day

The colors are endless
It is no longer just black & blue
She can see waves of green & red, too
Hopeful, she is becoming,
It is possible you see
For someone in a thunderstorm
To not only desire, but to receive

Everything she hopes for
Is covering the sky
Though, far away
If she has the ability
To come this far
The horizon can show her to grace.

No longer alone in the darkness
There is a hand that clasps her own
& it is guiding her to colors
That can bring her to the unknown

Strange, it is to her,
Because so long she has been in agony
But he has shown her that the world
Is no longer her enemy

Together, this place, it can be
Bearable, even one to take pleasure in.
Mankind hasn’t been lost, he says
& she decides to believe
In fairy tales & happily-ever-afters
She can be the one in the castle
& he can be the one on the stallion

She can’t seem to be in the real world
It’s all darkness or all light
All pain or all fantasy
How do you teach her to exist
To be like everyone else
When all she has ever known
Is hurt & heartache
Storms & lightening,
floods & dark waves.

She has read the fairy tales,
The fictions & the love stories
So just let her believe in them
She just needs comforting.

Even if you aren’t a prince,
Just a boy in a suit
Show her the possibilities
That she thought to be untrue.

She is forgetting about the storms
Or possibly she is just numb
But now all she can see is you
It may still be pouring
But at least she sees more
Than black and blue.

She is floating.

-k.d.
9-2-15

Flying

Am I flying yet?
Do I even know what I mean
when I say “flying”?
Am I still so engulfed in the fall
that I cannot even find
my wings?

I can succeed
I know I can.
But I can’t even figure out
what I am trying to succeed at.
I know I don’t want to be afraid
forever
But what do I want after that?
Love?
I want that..who doesn’t?
But can someone as fucked up as me
ever be loved?

A girl who can barely exist alone
for a whole 5 minutes
without losing my mind.
But can’t stand any guy to be near me
for anything more than simple company.

If I can’t find anyone I can tolerate
that likes me too
& the ones that adore me
I could care less for you.
What options are left?

The only one I ever felt
completely myself with,
completely happy with,
Who found me to be smart
& beautiful..
he is too preoccupied
learning to fly on his own
to notice I am still falling.

How can someone who is
1000 miles away
still hold my heart.
How do you move on from that?
How do you enjoy the company of another
when you simply don’t want to?

When you find yourself
preferring to suffer forever
than ever have to forget,
or never get to experience again,
the way he made you feel.

-k.d.
8-25-15

The Storm

There’s a storm that blows inside her
A tornado, a hurricane, a monsoon.
She feels it, every single gust, every drop of rain
It hurts constantly, this endless downpour of pain.

She tries to take shelter
She only wants some peace
But the storm will not subside
It will always find her
Nothing can protect her from this beast.

She knows that surely
The sun will rise again.
But someone must save her
From the hell that lies within.

If only she could find a guardian
A safe haven, a dry place.
Maybe she could feel warmth again
In the arms of love’s embrace.

In repose, her storm, it may finally calm
She could feel the beams of sunlight
As they brush her from the dawn.

And at dusk she would not fear the night
All day she had felt peace
And she could know it was possible:
The warmth, the calm, the ease.

The storm, though it may come again
She would not be afraid
For now, she knows that it is possible
For the clarity to begin.

-k.d.
8-31-15

Waiting

daisy
They are all waiting
Waiting for me to self detruct
I will never give them the satisfaction
Succeed, I must
I am alone in the darkness
It can be quite gloomy here
But I will never let them see
To them
I will only shine the brightest
I will keep it together
Every single piece
But when I finally find my safe haven
I will surely collapse
I need to crumble
so I can pick up all the contents
& make them into a person again
Until then, I never have time
I make bad choices
Find myself hurting & full of sin
My biggest hope is that
In the end
The darkness will not win

-k.d.

Falling

It’s so easy.

Falling.

Falling into the wrong choices
Falling into the wrong friendships
Falling into the wrong relationships
Falling into the wrong routine
Falling into the belief that it’ll get better
“In time”

It’s also easy to fall for the good things

Falling in to an amazing book
Falling into the perfect song
Falling into a comfort zone
Falling into your family for support
Falling into a trusting, loyal friendship
Falling into yourself..

There’s also a seesaw effect in play in a few..

Falling into yourself (yes, again)
Falling into your social standing
Falling into your work
Falling in love (that’s a scary one)

Are these good things or bad?

Ya know, I find it funny…
We learn to walk and gauge perception of our surroundings
before we are even considered toddlers..

& yet still
at age 22
I still find myself falling
I will find I don’t know where I am going,
though I have the capability to acknowledge my surroundings.
I find myself unable to take the correct path,
though I can easily walk down it.

The question is

Why not?!

Though falling can be fun in its own essence,
knowing you can save yourself
from the outcome of that fall
is the most important part.

So you ask yourself:

“When will I open my wings & fly?
The choice is up to me
It always has been
So why haven’t I done it? ”

Maybe you aren’t done falling yet
Maybe your time to fly starts later
But for me
I am ready
& I will fly.

because

the only thing that holds any of us back
from what we really want is..

ourselves.

-k.d.