Death Angel

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She is fire, she is burning
She is hotter than any coal
She will hurt you, she is pain
She is the one to save your soul

To be herself, would be a miracle
They all see her in such extremes
“sweet, innocent girl” or
“slutty, lying schemes”

She truly follows neither defining
Though to others, she is easily named
To those who are ingenuous
She is small, feeble-minded

Little do their insignificant minds know
She understands more than them all
She can calculate one’s moon rising
She can calculate their sun’s fall

She can see through the unfathomable
She can comprehend the truth in each lie
She cannot be fooled by ambiguity
She knows every time you defy.

The thought of her my frighten you
Oh, but the sight of her will not
For she looks as a blue eyed angel
But inside she is sin, burning hot

Her soul was sold to the devil
She will never get it back
But until her day is done
She will get revenge, payback.

She will let the devil have her soul
But not the innocents awaiting
She will save them all before she goes
No matter what, they will be acquitted

See for her, her soul is gone
She gave her life for another
One that deserved it more
One who could go much further

It seems they both survived, on Earth at least
So now the ending awaits
For her, she is ready for the end
To walk through Hell’s fiery gates

And the soul the she has saved
Oh, how it has been taken for granted
For as she lives in pain and grief
The one saved became canted

There is nothing more for her to do
Than help those in the time she has left
But the more she tries & the more she fails
The more she feels inept.

One day she will lift away
She will take one last flight
Up into the sky, never to be seen again
Gone forever with a bundle of dynamite.

Ready for her time to shine
On her stairway to heaven that she deserves
Past the sun that burns deep and far
This joke is unreal, she is going to die

It is true that she will shine
Though it will be in reflectance of Hadez’ fires,
Yet she knows in her finality, that endings
Are always more important than beginnings

-k.d. 
3-22-2016
(Drawing by Zach Duffey)

 

 

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She is scattered across the states
A little for each man she trusted
She never should have believed
Anyone who was so persistent

They fell for her, and she fell back
She smiled so widely, so bright
Her heart felt full, if only for a second
Then they left her broken, cold at night.

Most are caught up on one heart break
She is hurting from too many to count
They all took something from her
Each leaving a scar, unashamed no doubt.

Each man took a different part of her
Pieces they will never return
How could she ever be whole again
When so much is gone, burned.

One took her belief in fairy tales
Another, her love for laughter
One took away all trust she held
Left her crying alone, soon after.

One made her feel comfortable
Now, relax.. She couldn’t dare
One made her feel she could sleep tight
Now her rest is full of the nightmare

She doesn’t believe it is all their fault
She is the common denominator
But why her? Why keep taking pieces?
No one deserves that, it hurts her

It seems now there are no pieces left
She is empty with nothing to give
Each of the men walks with a part of her
Now she is destined alone to live.

-k.d.
12-13-15

Drowned

water

She is drowning again, in darkness it seems
Each drop of firewater, a nightmare, a bad dream.
They started falling one by one, she barely even noticed
But eventually she realized, she was beginning to lose balance.

Each drop stung a little more than the last
And then burning at her feet as they puddled up fast.
Her toes tingled, they burned, as horrors swam through her mind
All the sorrow she pushed away it was here and up it climbed.

They began at the bottom, slowly rising to the top
As they engulfed her, not breathing, she almost stopped.
Stopped trying to fight away the pain & fear she felt
Because the more she fought, the more she found it compelled.

For her to not be afraid is a difficult task,
But pretending to not be afraid, well that is the easy way out.
It’s frightening to realize that these nightmares are no longer just fiction
But are swallowing her whole, even when her eyes are open.

One day she will learn to awake and spit it out,
To no longer let the demons drown her & fill her with doubt.
But for now if she can just face these fears, not fight or pretend,
Maybe she will come out a stronger soul who is awake & on dry land.

-k.d.
12-7-2015

Unrhymed

I don’t just want to hear
About the wonderful things
Happening in your life
I want to be one of them

I don’t want to be the seer with a crystal ball
Watching all of your happiness come to you
I want to be in the beautiful vision with you
Dancing in the sun and being a part of your joy

I feel so left out, though I am happy for you
Jealousy is eating me alive
All I want is to be one of the things
That makes you smile like that

I know I make you happy
But it’s not the same
I can’t make you as happy
As your greatest successes

Because to you, I am not a success
I am just another asset,
Another claim
To build your ego

I will not be your pride booster
I will not be your cheerleader
I am your greatest win
Or I will be your greatest loss

The choice will only be yours
For a small window of time
Until it is taken from you
And I will be gone

Leaving nothing but a memory
Maybe even a scar
But I will not return again
You can dance in the dark.

-k.d.
10.2.15

Fire

She didn’t want the darkness
To return
But it is inevitable,
The light doesn’t burn

She thought she was whole
She forgot the curse
It seems her situation
Is now in reverse

He wanted to love her
But she was so cold
She tried to be warmer
For him to hold

They say there must be a darkness
To see the light
But there is no spark in her
Though she tried so hard to fight

She wanted to be bright
But she is only gray
She is only the night
She can never be day

She loved him too much
He loved her, not enough
She tried to accept that
For her it is too tough

She cannot settle for average
It must be great or horrific
Her life must be perfect
Or end, she must be dramatic

Why must she believe
That she is wrong
Maybe it is him
Maybe she is just strong

Maybe he should love her
The way she deserves
Maybe it is his fault
She is not so absurd

She should stop playing into
What he tells her she is
Because she is not crazy
She just wanted to be his

With him she felt brighter
If only for a moment
She just wants to matter
He isn’t so God sent

Her light is now dim
Her eyes will now close
There is no more light
Her heart now exposed

It is torn, it is scarred
It is bruised, it is blue
It cannot withstand another
They stuck like tattoos

There is no more room
It is covered, it is turning black
Her heart no longer beating
It has begun to crack

Somethings cannot be fixed
She thought she was an exception
But she is broken completely
He was another infection

It wasn’t intentional
What he did to her soul
But he cast it away
He didn’t want her to hold

If he had only known
She was not his desire
She may have survived
This hell unleashed fire

-k.d.
10-3-2015 

Something

storm


There is something going on tonight
Something inside, she cannot explain.
So much darkness is following her
Why must there be so much strain.

It is pulling at her heart,
It is tugging at her brain.
Her emotions and her thoughts,
They are full of pain.

For days, she felt normal.
At peace and not alone.
But it will always start over
This wave she is forced to condone.

She values her strength,
Her ease to befriend.
She even finds herself charming,
She never wants that to end.

Though when the wave comes,
The gust of chills and aches,
She loses all her strength
And the water will always break.

Throughout her body,
Mind and soul.
Until she feels nothing,
She is numb and cold.

There is just something unexplainable
She is starting to unfold.
It is a throbbing ache,
For it is him she wants to hold.

It always comes back to him,
She’ll never be good enough.
It doesnt matter how hard she tries,
She tries to act tough.

He doesn’t notice and never will,
She is more than he wants to handle.
She knows it but she cannot change
Who this world has made her.

Whatever is going on tonight,
It is winning, she knows.
She no longer feels warmth and comfort,
She is shaking, she is cold.

She has now gone numb,
There is nothing left.
She feels no emotion,
He isn’t coming to save her from this cliff. 

-k.d.

9-6-15

Floating

the daisy

She isn’t flying yet
But at least she is floating.
Falling was a scary trip
She felt she was the only

The only one who endured
The sting of hail
That was rocketing
Directly at her heart

But it turns out
Others are bruised too
Damaged by the frozen rain
That never seemed to give way
But now she can finally see
There is a rainbow in the day

The colors are endless
It is no longer just black & blue
She can see waves of green & red, too
Hopeful, she is becoming,
It is possible you see
For someone in a thunderstorm
To not only desire, but to receive

Everything she hopes for
Is covering the sky
Though, far away
If she has the ability
To come this far
The horizon can show her to grace.

No longer alone in the darkness
There is a hand that clasps her own
& it is guiding her to colors
That can bring her to the unknown

Strange, it is to her,
Because so long she has been in agony
But he has shown her that the world
Is no longer her enemy

Together, this place, it can be
Bearable, even one to take pleasure in.
Mankind hasn’t been lost, he says
& she decides to believe
In fairy tales & happily-ever-afters
She can be the one in the castle
& he can be the one on the stallion

She can’t seem to be in the real world
It’s all darkness or all light
All pain or all fantasy
How do you teach her to exist
To be like everyone else
When all she has ever known
Is hurt & heartache
Storms & lightening,
floods & dark waves.

She has read the fairy tales,
The fictions & the love stories
So just let her believe in them
She just needs comforting.

Even if you aren’t a prince,
Just a boy in a suit
Show her the possibilities
That she thought to be untrue.

She is forgetting about the storms
Or possibly she is just numb
But now all she can see is you
It may still be pouring
But at least she sees more
Than black and blue.

She is floating.

-k.d.
9-2-15

Flying

Am I flying yet?
Do I even know what I mean
when I say “flying”?
Am I still so engulfed in the fall
that I cannot even find
my wings?

I can succeed
I know I can.
But I can’t even figure out
what I am trying to succeed at.
I know I don’t want to be afraid
forever
But what do I want after that?
Love?
I want that..who doesn’t?
But can someone as fucked up as me
ever be loved?

A girl who can barely exist alone
for a whole 5 minutes
without losing my mind.
But can’t stand any guy to be near me
for anything more than simple company.

If I can’t find anyone I can tolerate
that likes me too
& the ones that adore me
I could care less for you.
What options are left?

The only one I ever felt
completely myself with,
completely happy with,
Who found me to be smart
& beautiful..
he is too preoccupied
learning to fly on his own
to notice I am still falling.

How can someone who is
1000 miles away
still hold my heart.
How do you move on from that?
How do you enjoy the company of another
when you simply don’t want to?

When you find yourself
preferring to suffer forever
than ever have to forget,
or never get to experience again,
the way he made you feel.

-k.d.
8-25-15

The Storm

There’s a storm that blows inside her
A tornado, a hurricane, a monsoon.
She feels it, every single gust, every drop of rain
It hurts constantly, this endless downpour of pain.

She tries to take shelter
She only wants some peace
But the storm will not subside
It will always find her
Nothing can protect her from this beast.

She knows that surely
The sun will rise again.
But someone must save her
From the hell that lies within.

If only she could find a guardian
A safe haven, a dry place.
Maybe she could feel warmth again
In the arms of love’s embrace.

In repose, her storm, it may finally calm
She could feel the beams of sunlight
As they brush her from the dawn.

And at dusk she would not fear the night
All day she had felt peace
And she could know it was possible:
The warmth, the calm, the ease.

The storm, though it may come again
She would not be afraid
For now, she knows that it is possible
For the clarity to begin.

-k.d.
8-31-15

Waiting

daisy
They are all waiting
Waiting for me to self detruct
I will never give them the satisfaction
Succeed, I must
I am alone in the darkness
It can be quite gloomy here
But I will never let them see
To them
I will only shine the brightest
I will keep it together
Every single piece
But when I finally find my safe haven
I will surely collapse
I need to crumble
so I can pick up all the contents
& make them into a person again
Until then, I never have time
I make bad choices
Find myself hurting & full of sin
My biggest hope is that
In the end
The darkness will not win

-k.d.