Kimono

He loves her, he said it
How does she accept something
That she never thought possible
And respond without crying.

How does she accept a love
That she feels she doesn’t deserve
But she knows she is good enough
She has been seen but never heard

She wanted to fly like a bird
Now she is high off his presence
She may never come down
From his intoxicating essence

She’ll suffer without it
Now that she’s been exposed
To a true love
And daily, as it grows

Good things don’t happen to her
Only pain and heart aches
It seems she is coming out of the storm
And she may have a beautiful fate

Once again she feels excitement
A thrill for her future
She hasn’t felt in so long
Maybe this is her cure

You see, sometimes pain
It is only preparing us
For the wonderful person
We are to become and thus

Just as you think
You are falling apart
You will conquer
And stitch up your heart

And you’ll learn
You don’t have to do it solo
There is someone out there
Who wants to be your kimono

They’ll wrap them selves around you
Make you feel safe and warm
You’ll never be afraid
Never be cold in the storm

-k.d.
9.20.15

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Addiction

The feelings he brings
Are different from the rest
He was her first love,
He left her depressed.

She’s moved on since then,
But she’ll never forget
How that heart-break destroyed her,
There was so much regret.

They yelled, they screamed,
She cried and he bullied,
She lied, for his attention,
She gave so much and never received.

Years later he realizes
What he has done,
But can she ever go back?
Is he the one?

He can put a smile on her face,
Even four years later,
She’s got butterflies in her stomach,
Will he betray her?

She cannot figure out
If what she is feeling is real
Or if she is just longing
For the void to be filled.

How does she open her heart to someone
Who has broken it before?
She remembers that horrible day
When she cried on the floor.

She was unable to move
Because her love was not returned,
She gave him everything
But he could not be concerned

With her crazy gestures
And constant jealousy
He left her alone,
She felt she couldn’t breath.

It took years to get over him,
To not think of him every day,
And now he is apologetic,
He wishes she had stayed.

Is it naive to give him a second chance?
She cannot decide
But she has a calming feeling
That she should give it a try.

She will know soon enough
If this time he has changed,
If she will finally be sufficient
Or if she will come unhinged.

She got drunk on him before,
But now she is sober
Soon she will find out
If his intoxicating powers are really over

You see, feelings like hers,
They never fully go away
She may not be tempted by him anymore,
But she may sway.

But if she sees his face, hears his voice
And touches his skin,
She could be addicted again, like at 19,
When she fell for him.

It is time for her to take a leap,
Cross her fingers and pray,
That she will find peace this time,
With or without him. Either way.

Because when the air gets cold
And she puts on her sweater
It’s his warmth she dreams of,
To hold her in this weather.

His scent, his eyes,
His crooked toothed smile,
It comforted her once upon a time,
If only for a while.

She moved on, she forgot,
Then she remembered again
How much she would like
To be intoxicated from him

By his corny jokes
And kisses on the cheek
She’d feel tingles down her arms,
All the way to her feet.

It was fun, what they had
But it ended in such hurt
Withdrawals had her shaking,
She needed his shirt

To comfort her, ease the addiction
And put her at peace
But eventually, she didn’t need him anymore,
There was no more grief.

Should he get another chance?
Time has passed by
They are different people now,
She wants to fly

But she doesn’t have to fly alone,
If he is by her side
Or will he leave her again,
Alone to justifiably cry?

To weep in the cold
And damp air alone
What if he isn’t there,
If he no longer wants her to hold?

Maybe this time,
They will do things right,
It will all just fall into place
And there will be no need to fight.

At 19, she was addicted,
She felt pain, hurt and betrayal,
But maybe, this time,
They will excel.

Their love, more strong
And deep, in time
Maybe their relationship won’t be toxic,
Maybe it won’t need to rhyme.

k.d.
9-7-2015

Worth

She is worth it, she knows
This has to be true
But at night, when she is alone,
Who is she to argue?

If she was worth it, he would be there
She would never be alone.
There must be something wrong with her,
How can she be unknown?

Misunderstood by so many
That no one wants to hold.
How can she stand out, be significant,
When she is only seen as a clone

The same as every other girl
who wants someone forever
But she is different, she is deep
She is nothing like a feather

Not light, not shallow, not like
The rest of the world
She has been to hell and back
And is even stronger, she is bold.

Not pink, not yellow,
She is brighter than the rest.
She is red, she is neon
She has to be the best.

She succeeds at everthing she does
And she always has
But love, it is gibberish to her
No one wants to take the task

Of a girl who was beaten and bruised
But made it back alive,
‘They have to be intimidated’ She thinks,
‘Because why else would they all hide?’

She was tortured, mistreated
Physically and emotionally abused
But all they see is her innocent face
No, they are not amused.

But who she is, is strong and great
She has withstood the worst storm
It isn’t her fault that they can’t see
Her strength or appreciate.

She is worth it, she knows
But it doesn’t help her heart
Repair itself along the way
She has begun to fall apart

Not by what has happened
But by the world’s never ending scorn
That she is just like everyone else
Who survived a tiny storm.

Darkness

Sleeping is most difficult
Every single night.
No matter how tired I am,
I cannot give up the fight

To keep my eyes wide open
And distract myself until
The sun comes up, the rays
Come through my window seal.

“Why?” they ask, “Can you not rest?”
“I wish,” I say “But I cannot,
For if I close my eyes
The darkness may hear the thought

The thought I cannot share
With you or anyone else,
For it would frighten everyone,
Even Satan himself.”

During the day, there are so many sounds
That no one else could hear
What’s going on inside my mind
But at night, it is the darkness I fear.

The darkness is so quiet,
What if my mind opens wide?

No one, no thing, no earthly creature
Should hear what screams from inside.
For I, myself, cannot withstand my head
I try to run and hide.

So when the sun rises and I go to sleep
I know I can relax
The shadows are gone and now I
Can hold onto my thoughts, at last.

No more fear of stolen treasures,
Though frightening they may be,
I don’t even want the darkness
To feel as cold as me.

-k.d.
9-8-2015

Something

storm


There is something going on tonight
Something inside, she cannot explain.
So much darkness is following her
Why must there be so much strain.

It is pulling at her heart,
It is tugging at her brain.
Her emotions and her thoughts,
They are full of pain.

For days, she felt normal.
At peace and not alone.
But it will always start over
This wave she is forced to condone.

She values her strength,
Her ease to befriend.
She even finds herself charming,
She never wants that to end.

Though when the wave comes,
The gust of chills and aches,
She loses all her strength
And the water will always break.

Throughout her body,
Mind and soul.
Until she feels nothing,
She is numb and cold.

There is just something unexplainable
She is starting to unfold.
It is a throbbing ache,
For it is him she wants to hold.

It always comes back to him,
She’ll never be good enough.
It doesnt matter how hard she tries,
She tries to act tough.

He doesn’t notice and never will,
She is more than he wants to handle.
She knows it but she cannot change
Who this world has made her.

Whatever is going on tonight,
It is winning, she knows.
She no longer feels warmth and comfort,
She is shaking, she is cold.

She has now gone numb,
There is nothing left.
She feels no emotion,
He isn’t coming to save her from this cliff. 

-k.d.

9-6-15

Floating

the daisy

She isn’t flying yet
But at least she is floating.
Falling was a scary trip
She felt she was the only

The only one who endured
The sting of hail
That was rocketing
Directly at her heart

But it turns out
Others are bruised too
Damaged by the frozen rain
That never seemed to give way
But now she can finally see
There is a rainbow in the day

The colors are endless
It is no longer just black & blue
She can see waves of green & red, too
Hopeful, she is becoming,
It is possible you see
For someone in a thunderstorm
To not only desire, but to receive

Everything she hopes for
Is covering the sky
Though, far away
If she has the ability
To come this far
The horizon can show her to grace.

No longer alone in the darkness
There is a hand that clasps her own
& it is guiding her to colors
That can bring her to the unknown

Strange, it is to her,
Because so long she has been in agony
But he has shown her that the world
Is no longer her enemy

Together, this place, it can be
Bearable, even one to take pleasure in.
Mankind hasn’t been lost, he says
& she decides to believe
In fairy tales & happily-ever-afters
She can be the one in the castle
& he can be the one on the stallion

She can’t seem to be in the real world
It’s all darkness or all light
All pain or all fantasy
How do you teach her to exist
To be like everyone else
When all she has ever known
Is hurt & heartache
Storms & lightening,
floods & dark waves.

She has read the fairy tales,
The fictions & the love stories
So just let her believe in them
She just needs comforting.

Even if you aren’t a prince,
Just a boy in a suit
Show her the possibilities
That she thought to be untrue.

She is forgetting about the storms
Or possibly she is just numb
But now all she can see is you
It may still be pouring
But at least she sees more
Than black and blue.

She is floating.

-k.d.
9-2-15

Flying

Am I flying yet?
Do I even know what I mean
when I say “flying”?
Am I still so engulfed in the fall
that I cannot even find
my wings?

I can succeed
I know I can.
But I can’t even figure out
what I am trying to succeed at.
I know I don’t want to be afraid
forever
But what do I want after that?
Love?
I want that..who doesn’t?
But can someone as fucked up as me
ever be loved?

A girl who can barely exist alone
for a whole 5 minutes
without losing my mind.
But can’t stand any guy to be near me
for anything more than simple company.

If I can’t find anyone I can tolerate
that likes me too
& the ones that adore me
I could care less for you.
What options are left?

The only one I ever felt
completely myself with,
completely happy with,
Who found me to be smart
& beautiful..
he is too preoccupied
learning to fly on his own
to notice I am still falling.

How can someone who is
1000 miles away
still hold my heart.
How do you move on from that?
How do you enjoy the company of another
when you simply don’t want to?

When you find yourself
preferring to suffer forever
than ever have to forget,
or never get to experience again,
the way he made you feel.

-k.d.
8-25-15

The Storm

There’s a storm that blows inside her
A tornado, a hurricane, a monsoon.
She feels it, every single gust, every drop of rain
It hurts constantly, this endless downpour of pain.

She tries to take shelter
She only wants some peace
But the storm will not subside
It will always find her
Nothing can protect her from this beast.

She knows that surely
The sun will rise again.
But someone must save her
From the hell that lies within.

If only she could find a guardian
A safe haven, a dry place.
Maybe she could feel warmth again
In the arms of love’s embrace.

In repose, her storm, it may finally calm
She could feel the beams of sunlight
As they brush her from the dawn.

And at dusk she would not fear the night
All day she had felt peace
And she could know it was possible:
The warmth, the calm, the ease.

The storm, though it may come again
She would not be afraid
For now, she knows that it is possible
For the clarity to begin.

-k.d.
8-31-15

Waiting

daisy
They are all waiting
Waiting for me to self detruct
I will never give them the satisfaction
Succeed, I must
I am alone in the darkness
It can be quite gloomy here
But I will never let them see
To them
I will only shine the brightest
I will keep it together
Every single piece
But when I finally find my safe haven
I will surely collapse
I need to crumble
so I can pick up all the contents
& make them into a person again
Until then, I never have time
I make bad choices
Find myself hurting & full of sin
My biggest hope is that
In the end
The darkness will not win

-k.d.

Falling

It’s so easy.

Falling.

Falling into the wrong choices
Falling into the wrong friendships
Falling into the wrong relationships
Falling into the wrong routine
Falling into the belief that it’ll get better
“In time”

It’s also easy to fall for the good things

Falling in to an amazing book
Falling into the perfect song
Falling into a comfort zone
Falling into your family for support
Falling into a trusting, loyal friendship
Falling into yourself..

There’s also a seesaw effect in play in a few..

Falling into yourself (yes, again)
Falling into your social standing
Falling into your work
Falling in love (that’s a scary one)

Are these good things or bad?

Ya know, I find it funny…
We learn to walk and gauge perception of our surroundings
before we are even considered toddlers..

& yet still
at age 22
I still find myself falling
I will find I don’t know where I am going,
though I have the capability to acknowledge my surroundings.
I find myself unable to take the correct path,
though I can easily walk down it.

The question is

Why not?!

Though falling can be fun in its own essence,
knowing you can save yourself
from the outcome of that fall
is the most important part.

So you ask yourself:

“When will I open my wings & fly?
The choice is up to me
It always has been
So why haven’t I done it? ”

Maybe you aren’t done falling yet
Maybe your time to fly starts later
But for me
I am ready
& I will fly.

because

the only thing that holds any of us back
from what we really want is..

ourselves.

-k.d.