Death Angel

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She is fire, she is burning
She is hotter than any coal
She will hurt you, she is pain
She is the one to save your soul

To be herself, would be a miracle
They all see her in such extremes
“sweet, innocent girl” or
“slutty, lying schemes”

She truly follows neither defining
Though to others, she is easily named
To those who are ingenuous
She is small, feeble-minded

Little do their insignificant minds know
She understands more than them all
She can calculate one’s moon rising
She can calculate their sun’s fall

She can see through the unfathomable
She can comprehend the truth in each lie
She cannot be fooled by ambiguity
She knows every time you defy.

The thought of her my frighten you
Oh, but the sight of her will not
For she looks as a blue eyed angel
But inside she is sin, burning hot

Her soul was sold to the devil
She will never get it back
But until her day is done
She will get revenge, payback.

She will let the devil have her soul
But not the innocents awaiting
She will save them all before she goes
No matter what, they will be acquitted

See for her, her soul is gone
She gave her life for another
One that deserved it more
One who could go much further

It seems they both survived, on Earth at least
So now the ending awaits
For her, she is ready for the end
To walk through Hell’s fiery gates

And the soul the she has saved
Oh, how it has been taken for granted
For as she lives in pain and grief
The one saved became canted

There is nothing more for her to do
Than help those in the time she has left
But the more she tries & the more she fails
The more she feels inept.

One day she will lift away
She will take one last flight
Up into the sky, never to be seen again
Gone forever with a bundle of dynamite.

Ready for her time to shine
On her stairway to heaven that she deserves
Past the sun that burns deep and far
This joke is unreal, she is going to die

It is true that she will shine
Though it will be in reflectance of Hadez’ fires,
Yet she knows in her finality, that endings
Are always more important than beginnings

-k.d. 
3-22-2016
(Drawing by Zach Duffey)

 

 

Secrets

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If they knew the truth
Would they stay
Would she be alone
Would they run away?

If he knew why
What would he think
Would he be my person
How far would she sink?

If he found out about her
Would he leave her alone
Break his vows about her
Like she was a loan?

The secrets she hides
Are for their wellbeing
If she told them
It would be her they’d be seeing

Not the person she made
Not the person she appears
Someone who they trust
Someone no one fears

– 1-12-16
k.d

She is scattered across the states
A little for each man she trusted
She never should have believed
Anyone who was so persistent

They fell for her, and she fell back
She smiled so widely, so bright
Her heart felt full, if only for a second
Then they left her broken, cold at night.

Most are caught up on one heart break
She is hurting from too many to count
They all took something from her
Each leaving a scar, unashamed no doubt.

Each man took a different part of her
Pieces they will never return
How could she ever be whole again
When so much is gone, burned.

One took her belief in fairy tales
Another, her love for laughter
One took away all trust she held
Left her crying alone, soon after.

One made her feel comfortable
Now, relax.. She couldn’t dare
One made her feel she could sleep tight
Now her rest is full of the nightmare

She doesn’t believe it is all their fault
She is the common denominator
But why her? Why keep taking pieces?
No one deserves that, it hurts her

It seems now there are no pieces left
She is empty with nothing to give
Each of the men walks with a part of her
Now she is destined alone to live.

-k.d.
12-13-15

Drowned

water

She is drowning again, in darkness it seems
Each drop of firewater, a nightmare, a bad dream.
They started falling one by one, she barely even noticed
But eventually she realized, she was beginning to lose balance.

Each drop stung a little more than the last
And then burning at her feet as they puddled up fast.
Her toes tingled, they burned, as horrors swam through her mind
All the sorrow she pushed away it was here and up it climbed.

They began at the bottom, slowly rising to the top
As they engulfed her, not breathing, she almost stopped.
Stopped trying to fight away the pain & fear she felt
Because the more she fought, the more she found it compelled.

For her to not be afraid is a difficult task,
But pretending to not be afraid, well that is the easy way out.
It’s frightening to realize that these nightmares are no longer just fiction
But are swallowing her whole, even when her eyes are open.

One day she will learn to awake and spit it out,
To no longer let the demons drown her & fill her with doubt.
But for now if she can just face these fears, not fight or pretend,
Maybe she will come out a stronger soul who is awake & on dry land.

-k.d.
12-7-2015

Bookcase

books

She has a bookcase
Labeled “The Heartbreaks”
One shelf wasn’t enough
She wishes it was, for her sake

There are four different shelves
One for each genre of the hurt
Each in order of intensity
From sadness to anger to absurd

One shelf is for small aches
The quick ones that didn’t sting
Not as bad as the rest
They didn’t really mean a thing

One is for the long loves
The ones she always regrets
One is for the men who hurt her
But didn’t care or even fret

One is for the hurt she solely caused
Those were so unfair
She hates how horrible she was
Leaving both parties in despair

Most of the books are unfinished
She will never open their covers again
Some have empty pages near the back
Those she knows may never end

The ones without endings
Are because she hopes one day to fill
The story with happiness
Love that could finally conceal

What she really wants
Is just one more book
To place on different bookcase
In a special little nook

That begins with happy
And tells of true fate
All it entails is love
How life can be great

A book so wonderful that
It will begin a series
All of the volumes holding tales
Of adventures they’d experience.

Each book would tell a tale
Of their wonderful days
Of they fun they’d have together
And their love that would never fade

You could see, taste and smell their love
In each page as it turned
And each volume it got deeper
Their fate, always confirmed

And now she loves this bookcase
The other one has cobwebs
Her new one she has painted
With daisies and sunflower fields

Today she took a sledgehammer
She broke “The Heartbreaks” to pieces
All she needs or wants for
Is on the colorful flower bookcase

-k.d.
10/28/2015

Reader

book

When the wind is blowing
And she feels alone
There is only one way
She can be whole

She puts it in her hands
She touches the cover
She smells the pages
She inhales the undiscovered

The ink holds a story
Deep inside its folds
Her mind will open up
And new stories it can hold

Of lovers, of demons,
Of worlds far away
Of wars, of tragedy
Of unexpected fate

She wraps herself in the tale
These stories she will not forget
For they are now a part of her
Not a one does she regret

They all have a special place
In her heart and in her mind
They help her make decisions
She remembers each time

The horror story reminds her
Of the bad in the world
And how she can make it through
No matter how she has crumpled

The romance tale encourages her
To not be so afraid
Because even the outcasts
Have found love one day

And the futuristic tales are the best
She realizes she is not alone
With a mind that wanders past now
And craves for the unknown

For this world here
It is not what makes her, herself
It is the fictional stories
That sit on her bookshelf

-k.d.
10-22-2015

Unrhymed

I don’t just want to hear
About the wonderful things
Happening in your life
I want to be one of them

I don’t want to be the seer with a crystal ball
Watching all of your happiness come to you
I want to be in the beautiful vision with you
Dancing in the sun and being a part of your joy

I feel so left out, though I am happy for you
Jealousy is eating me alive
All I want is to be one of the things
That makes you smile like that

I know I make you happy
But it’s not the same
I can’t make you as happy
As your greatest successes

Because to you, I am not a success
I am just another asset,
Another claim
To build your ego

I will not be your pride booster
I will not be your cheerleader
I am your greatest win
Or I will be your greatest loss

The choice will only be yours
For a small window of time
Until it is taken from you
And I will be gone

Leaving nothing but a memory
Maybe even a scar
But I will not return again
You can dance in the dark.

-k.d.
10.2.15

Fire

She didn’t want the darkness
To return
But it is inevitable,
The light doesn’t burn

She thought she was whole
She forgot the curse
It seems her situation
Is now in reverse

He wanted to love her
But she was so cold
She tried to be warmer
For him to hold

They say there must be a darkness
To see the light
But there is no spark in her
Though she tried so hard to fight

She wanted to be bright
But she is only gray
She is only the night
She can never be day

She loved him too much
He loved her, not enough
She tried to accept that
For her it is too tough

She cannot settle for average
It must be great or horrific
Her life must be perfect
Or end, she must be dramatic

Why must she believe
That she is wrong
Maybe it is him
Maybe she is just strong

Maybe he should love her
The way she deserves
Maybe it is his fault
She is not so absurd

She should stop playing into
What he tells her she is
Because she is not crazy
She just wanted to be his

With him she felt brighter
If only for a moment
She just wants to matter
He isn’t so God sent

Her light is now dim
Her eyes will now close
There is no more light
Her heart now exposed

It is torn, it is scarred
It is bruised, it is blue
It cannot withstand another
They stuck like tattoos

There is no more room
It is covered, it is turning black
Her heart no longer beating
It has begun to crack

Somethings cannot be fixed
She thought she was an exception
But she is broken completely
He was another infection

It wasn’t intentional
What he did to her soul
But he cast it away
He didn’t want her to hold

If he had only known
She was not his desire
She may have survived
This hell unleashed fire

-k.d.
10-3-2015 

Kimono

He loves her, he said it
How does she accept something
That she never thought possible
And respond without crying.

How does she accept a love
That she feels she doesn’t deserve
But she knows she is good enough
She has been seen but never heard

She wanted to fly like a bird
Now she is high off his presence
She may never come down
From his intoxicating essence

She’ll suffer without it
Now that she’s been exposed
To a true love
And daily, as it grows

Good things don’t happen to her
Only pain and heart aches
It seems she is coming out of the storm
And she may have a beautiful fate

Once again she feels excitement
A thrill for her future
She hasn’t felt in so long
Maybe this is her cure

You see, sometimes pain
It is only preparing us
For the wonderful person
We are to become and thus

Just as you think
You are falling apart
You will conquer
And stitch up your heart

And you’ll learn
You don’t have to do it solo
There is someone out there
Who wants to be your kimono

They’ll wrap them selves around you
Make you feel safe and warm
You’ll never be afraid
Never be cold in the storm

-k.d.
9.20.15

Addiction

The feelings he brings
Are different from the rest
He was her first love,
He left her depressed.

She’s moved on since then,
But she’ll never forget
How that heart-break destroyed her,
There was so much regret.

They yelled, they screamed,
She cried and he bullied,
She lied, for his attention,
She gave so much and never received.

Years later he realizes
What he has done,
But can she ever go back?
Is he the one?

He can put a smile on her face,
Even four years later,
She’s got butterflies in her stomach,
Will he betray her?

She cannot figure out
If what she is feeling is real
Or if she is just longing
For the void to be filled.

How does she open her heart to someone
Who has broken it before?
She remembers that horrible day
When she cried on the floor.

She was unable to move
Because her love was not returned,
She gave him everything
But he could not be concerned

With her crazy gestures
And constant jealousy
He left her alone,
She felt she couldn’t breath.

It took years to get over him,
To not think of him every day,
And now he is apologetic,
He wishes she had stayed.

Is it naive to give him a second chance?
She cannot decide
But she has a calming feeling
That she should give it a try.

She will know soon enough
If this time he has changed,
If she will finally be sufficient
Or if she will come unhinged.

She got drunk on him before,
But now she is sober
Soon she will find out
If his intoxicating powers are really over

You see, feelings like hers,
They never fully go away
She may not be tempted by him anymore,
But she may sway.

But if she sees his face, hears his voice
And touches his skin,
She could be addicted again, like at 19,
When she fell for him.

It is time for her to take a leap,
Cross her fingers and pray,
That she will find peace this time,
With or without him. Either way.

Because when the air gets cold
And she puts on her sweater
It’s his warmth she dreams of,
To hold her in this weather.

His scent, his eyes,
His crooked toothed smile,
It comforted her once upon a time,
If only for a while.

She moved on, she forgot,
Then she remembered again
How much she would like
To be intoxicated from him

By his corny jokes
And kisses on the cheek
She’d feel tingles down her arms,
All the way to her feet.

It was fun, what they had
But it ended in such hurt
Withdrawals had her shaking,
She needed his shirt

To comfort her, ease the addiction
And put her at peace
But eventually, she didn’t need him anymore,
There was no more grief.

Should he get another chance?
Time has passed by
They are different people now,
She wants to fly

But she doesn’t have to fly alone,
If he is by her side
Or will he leave her again,
Alone to justifiably cry?

To weep in the cold
And damp air alone
What if he isn’t there,
If he no longer wants her to hold?

Maybe this time,
They will do things right,
It will all just fall into place
And there will be no need to fight.

At 19, she was addicted,
She felt pain, hurt and betrayal,
But maybe, this time,
They will excel.

Their love, more strong
And deep, in time
Maybe their relationship won’t be toxic,
Maybe it won’t need to rhyme.

k.d.
9-7-2015